Unfortunate Circumstances

Toby, my 3 year old, has the smallest bladder in the world. This makes traveling through Europe particularly challenging. It seems like every 10 minutes Toby shouts "PEE, PEE!" at the top of his lungs.

When we're driving, it's not nearly as much of a problem as when we're walking through old towns. Pulling over so he can pee in the grass is not nearly as insulting as when he pees on the side of a 1000 year old castle. Hey, don't judge me, toilets cost $1 or more to use and he's a boy.

In Prague though, Toby shouted his call while we were walking back to our hotel/apartment and Dylan jumped into the first door he saw. I stared at the sign and stared at him and tried to comprehend why he had just taken my 3 year old (and the 2 year old in the baby backpack) here:
Yep, that's a strip club. So now Toby can tell everyone that he peed in a strip club. When he was 3.

I'm Not Dead!

A while back I told one of my loyal readers that I could be dead but still posting and that you'd know that I was not dead if I was still commenting. But then the last two weeks I stopped commenting.

But I'm not dead, I've just been traveling and I'll be catching up with all of y'all today and tomorrow. I've missed you all.

But while I was gone I was here:

Częstochowa, Poland. Shrine of the Black Madonna.

And here:

Castle Square in Prague

And here:

Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany.

Among other places.

Shoes. Let's Get Some Shoes.

Now, I am not a shoe person. If I could, I would ALWAYS be barefoot. I'm all about comfort and while I appreciate cute shoes, would much rather not ever have to wear anything that has a heel.

Poles, however, are big on shoes. This is why I usually stand out in a crowd. My shoes are not all that fashionable.

Anyway, Pamela and I were sitting in a random parking lot during one of our trips and we saw this woman.
Okay, am I the only one who looks at those shoes and thinks "Stripper!"? Or am I just not up on the fashion right now?

So, after I snapped these photographs (yes my daughter tells me I totally look like a stalker, sitting in a parking lot with my Canon, taking photos of random strangers. I'm okay with that.) we watched her for a few more minutes. She had come out of the grocery store and walked to the car, loaded the groceries and returned the cart. Then she went back to the car and CHANGED HER SHOES! To ones that didn't look like stripper shoes (but still had high heels) and totally matched her outfit, but would not have made me look twice at her.

So she only wore the stripper shoes for the supermarket. And somehow, I am a crazy person in this country.

More Chinchilla Poo

You may recall when we had the chinchilla (the nocturnal animal) in the middle of our very noisy living room. We have since moved it into Pamela's room.

Pamela doesn't play much with the chinchilla and it has become kind of angry and mean.

One day, Pamela told me, "I think the chinchilla is mad at me."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, she stares at me at night. And I think she's throwing poo at me."

Once I stopped my hysterical laughter, I asked,

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you know how sometimes when you're outside and you feel something hit you in the head? Like rain drops or a leaf from the tree? Yeah, it's like that. Except that I'm in my room. And the only thing there is the chinchilla. Who is staring at me."

Just thinking about throwing poo.

Porn Or No Porn?

European television is a different experience for American travelers. Our family lucks out and we rarely watch European television as we have American satellite television (we don't actually watch that much television anyway, but when we do, it's all in English).

When we stay at a hotel, we usually never turn the TV on. It's not worth it for the 3 English channels you will find which are CNN World News, BBC News, and the Jesus channel (seriously, I am NOT making that up).

The other fun thing that European television has is soft porn at night.

Well Papa, he likes to watch TV. We've kind of been depriving him because we don't watch much in the house and he is not used to what we have anyway, so our whopping 6 channels don't thrill him much. He wanted to turn on the TV in the hotel.

After about 30 minutes of trying to turn the darn thing on, we thought we had it. And in that split second before the TV turned on, with my four children all watching intently, the thought finally occurred to me "Please, oh please. Don't let it be porn."

It wasn't. Yet.

An Anonymous, Hilarious, and Probably Overrated Story

Once upon a time there was a family that went on a trip. There was a mother and a grandpa and 3 little boys and a teenage girl. They journeyed to the center of the Earth through the Wieliczka salt mines.

These mines are filled with beautiful sculptures made from salt.

This is the underground chapel where the miners held mass.


This is also where something bad befell the family. Grandpa disappeared.

The mom and oldest child scoured the chapel, trying desperately to find the grandpa to no avail.

The family minus one continued to travel forward through the mine. They continued to look ahead as far as possible to find the grandpa.

The lovely Polish tour guide did her head count and realized one was missing. The mother told the tour guide that the missing person was with them and they had been unable to find him. This disclosure was followed by the heavy Polish sigh, with the implied accusation that the mother was stupid - obviously she is because she has four children, she's apparently never heard of birth control* - and lost control of one of her charges.

At the end of the corridor, the mother sent the oldest child to look ahead in the line for the elevator, but still they could not find grandpa.

They rode up in the old rickety mine elevator (which is an amusement park ride in itself), in the complete darkness aside from the one lonely flashlight hanging inside and then walked the half mile up the hill to the beginning.

Where they found grandpa waiting for them. Having a beer in the outdoor cafe.**

*Yes, I have issues.

**I have never once lost one of my four children. Not once. I am apparently capable only of losing 60 year old men. Who are over 6ft tall. And wearing bright purple shirts.

Disclaimer: While this may sound like a true story, it is not. Grandma should not be upset because the grandpa in this story is not the real grandpa. He's not. Really. Even though it sounds exactly like him. And we did actually go to the salt mines. And he really did get lost. Wait, no, um...that last part DID NOT happen. Seriously.

Why I Suck at Traveling

I apologize for my lack of comments this week. FIL, the kids and I were out and about - on walkabout (teehee, not really, we came back). We went to Krakow.

I'm so magical, I can post even without internet connection. But, unfortunately, I am not magical enough to comment. Yet.

On this trip though, I was reminded of why I am a terrible traveler. This may come as a shock, you know, seeing as how I live outside of both my native countries, but I REALLY do not like to travel. I absolutely hate sleeping in a bed that's not mine (particularly European beds, which just suck). I hate having to speak to people I don't know. And I really don't like being cooped up with my kids in places that are unfamiliar to them (which in Poland will -and did - definitely lead to someone telling me that I am the worst mother imaginable).

See, I'm normal. No, really. I'm totally normal. I just happen to live in a country where day to day living is a little more challenging because of the language barrier.

And I have a hilarious story for later, but I've been asked not to share. So I'll have to figure out how to make everyone anonymous. Hmmm...