Monday, December 22, 2008

Bowling Pins, Fish and Nudity

A few days ago Dylan was complaining about his leg hurting. He decided that he needed a massage. And, because he feels guilty running off to get a massage and leaving me with all the children, he invited me to go along.

A few items:

-I have had exactly 2 professional massages in my life (and that includes this one).

-I generally do not pay people to look at me naked. I try to reserve that for people who are taking a baby human out of me.

-I'm not big on the "pampering" thing. Massages hurt. Manicures hurt. Haircuts hurt. Really it's like saying, "Hi Kylie! Would you like to go to Spa Gitmo?"

So, because I had been thinking a day at the spa would be a good gift for my sister (yeah, she doesn't read my blog, so I can say whatever I want about her), I thought I should actually go and TRY to enjoy a massage.

So we went to a multipurpose joint. It's a swimming pool/spa/bowling alley/nightclub. I think they also sell fish.

And the massage rooms are directly below the bowling alley. Because back after the wall fell, apparently someone thought putting a bowling alley on the third floor was a good idea. Actually it seems that several someones thought this, as I have yet to see a bowling alley in this country that is on the ground floor.

So, because I am extremely uncomfortable being naked in front of people, I try to keep my mind occupied. It wanders pretty well because I have the attention span of a gnat. And being directly below the bowling alley helped.

I wondered whether my masseur ever gave his significant other massages. You know, if I had a committed partner who was a masseur (and I was a normal person who didn't think massage was actually a code word for torture), I'd be demanding massages all the time.

Several times I wanted to yell "STRIKE!" Did I mention I was DIRECTLY below the bowling alley? Nothing more relaxing than the sound of a heavy ball rolling across a wooden floor and knocking things down. On second thought, it sounds an awful lot like home.

My masseur worked on my legs, back, and arms and then asked me to roll over. Except, because he spoke only enough English for the commands, and Polish has the whole command thing down it was more like "Turn over!" As though he was commanding that a pancake flip itself.

When I did turn over, I was a caught a bit off guard.

Didn't he have clothes on when I walked in? Had he been naked the whole time? Do they always do this?

I thought, "I'm just gonna close my eyes and PRETEND you're wearing something other than a Speedo." Which is totally the opposite of what my husband was thinking about his masseuse.

When I met back up with my husband I asked him if his girl was naked.

*blink, blink*

Then he said, "NO! You have to pay extra for THAT! This is gonna cost us!"

And I'm out of my country for a couple of weeks. I'll probably not be posting all that regularly, I'll try, but I can't make any promises:).


  1. WHAT KINDA OF CRAZY MASSAGE PLACE DID YOU GO TO??! Is this close to that Hilton hotel you blogged about a while back? I love massages, in fact I have someone who come to my house to give me one on occassion. There are very strict rules in the US on how this works...and they always let me stay as dressed as I want..Bike shorts and sports bra are not an issue for them (though I doubt I will EVER let anyone else in real life see me in that state of sausage-ness). I am not sure what I would have done in your situation!! YIKES!!

  2. I am laughing my ass off!!!

    (AND, massages DO hurt.......)

  3. Oh, you're husband is *good*!!!!

  4. He was naked too??? Dear lord...that is a very special massage place.

  5. he was not!! NO WAY! i don't believe you.

    and you're TOTALLY right about manicures/pedicures. the last one i went to scrubbed my feet/calves with salt, HUGE salt. rocky salt. salt rocks? it fecking HURT... AAAAAND made my shoulders hurt. it's exhausting.

    a SPEEEDO???? i don't believe you.

  6. OMG! that's hilarious! i just had to get my dose of "Slightly Cracked" humor! hahahahaha!

    love it! thanks again Kylie!

    happy holidays from the fluxlife blog!

    -steve @ fluxlife

  7. But did you buy any fish??

    Oh my, that is TOO funny!! You actually reminded me that my weirdest massage story is from Poland. I'll have to blog about it. The masseur was NOT naked, however, so you got me on that one.

  8. Holy...gee whiz! Haha, is that what the "deluxe treatment" is? Brilliant post!

    Speaking for myself, I adore massages, but I do require that the massage therapist be FULLY CLOTHED. Geez louise.

    Travel safely and happy holidays, my friend! I look forward to hearing from you whenever you can post!

  9. Oh Kylie, this is so funny. My hubby came and read over my shoulder and he really chuckled over your massage adventure.

    Travel safe and have a wonderful Christmas.

  10. I was sure, once you wrote he was naked, that this story would have a "happy ending." EEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk.

    That freaks my sh** out on your behalf.

    Where are you going, honeypie? We're off to California tomorrow!

  11. I found you via Em's blog and I have to say that I have never had a massage where the person massaging was nude too. I have one a very long time ago where the girl only had on a short dress which was obvious at a certain part during the massage. I won't go into that here but I felt very uneasy after that.

  12. Lol...that is too damn funny. I hope you didn't pay too much extra.

    I've never done the massage thing. I'm just all naturally relaxed.

  13. Oh good god! I think I would have screamed! I had physical therapy yesterday and the massage therapist was so hard - believe me I feel your pain. I hate getting naked and can not relax having massages never mind having a bowling alley on top of you.

    By the way the ornament arrived today - thank you, thank you, thank you. My daughter loves it.

  14. oh, and my favorite massages are the facial massages. oh man. those are LOVELY. you don't know how many nerves are in your face until you've had a face massage.

    and also... the chest area. like, the top part, not the boobies. right above the boobies.

    good stuff.

    but you might want to get that done somewhere like... the US or something. i wouldn't ask for a "top part boobie massage" from a guy in a speedo.

  15. Oh my God! That would weird me out, for sure. This wasn't one of those "massage with a happy ending" places was it?

  16. Oh, my gosh. That is horrible. And what's their address? I'm feeling a bit tense.


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